The Land Of Ilk & Punny

[Captain Colonial]

1.  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.   However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.  Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2.   A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!  I think I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to be a little patient."

3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.  One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.   Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.   Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.  When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

5.  Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.  It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost"!

6.  A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying, We have absolutely nothing to go on.

7.  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.  After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the medicine man returned

to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8.  A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9.  There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10.  By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns.  He entered them and one other in a contest.  He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose.  As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[DavidR]

These are so bad I had to forward them to everyone I know.    

[Buzz Billsberry]

Captain you need some serious treatment!. If you've got the gun I'll supply the bullet

Buzz