.....just like that.

[Phssthpok]

......Tommy cooper jokes

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to  

buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  

Clingfilm for shorts:

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day  

but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50  

quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf:  

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.  

A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.  

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"  

The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms  

off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a  

muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.  

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and  

for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  

van covered with hundreds and thousands.  

Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out  

of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of  

Home."

"That sound like Tom Jones syndrome. "  

"Is it common? "  

"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.  

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  

him? "  

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"  

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks  

his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "  

"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's.  

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."  

"How's that?"  

"Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes?  

A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to  

me "Can you give me a lift?"  

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go  

for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of  

them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Billy  

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  

But I think it's Billy.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your  

round."  

The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking  

battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  

They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my  

driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.  

It said, 'Parking Fine.'  

So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my  

arm in several places"  

The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this  

morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into  

a cemetery.  

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies  

so far and expect that number to climb as digging  

continues into the night.