Some Terrible, Terrible puns

[Mrs Westy]

1. Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead  raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only  one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South India. One went to Bollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields at home and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot  my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a  root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand

chess  nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them  goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a  family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of  himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband  that she

wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!   If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked  to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was  unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival  florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if  they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, by proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad  breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).

A super callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them  laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Mrs W  

[Rob B]

Cheered me right up.

No really!

[Phssthpok]

.......groan.