Scotland (The Frozen North).----(A gentle parody).

[DonPeffers]

 

About 2000 years ago the Romans invaded and conquered England.  The Romans had regular orgies so for convenience they were scantily dressed in togas. This attire proved unsuitable for the Scottish climate so they went no further than Northern England were, to keep out the icy northern winds, an engineer called Hard Ian built a wall across the country; a sort of medieval draught excluder.
After many years of unpleasantness and anti-Romantic comments from the English the Romans went home.

After the Romans left the Scots and English could concentrate on fighting each other which continued for centuries.
By 1700 an agreement was reached between England and Scots ‘noblemen’ to stop fighting and sell Scotland to England for £20K ( £4 Mn in todays money; and a snip). Although this was a dramatic Nationalisation, luckily citizens didn’t have to endure endless debates on the subject nor vote as democracy hadn’t yet been invented.

In 18th century Scotland there was a sort of closing down sale called the Highland Clearances, but with no bargains for the locals it caused much bitterness which continues to this day.

Scots were usually shorter than the English as Scottish water had less bone-building calcium. Avoiding water, Scots had two orange-coloured drinks; fizzy iron-brew for warm days and fiery spirit Skotch for cold days. Over the centuries the consumption of these drinks turned the entire nation’s hair ginger. As well as having warming effects Skotch had hallucinogenic properties making imbibers think everyone was their friend. This made it globally popular and was Scotland’s 4th biggest export after people, football and shouting.

In Scotland an official heatwave is any sunny day with a temperature of 16C or above when sunbathing and sunburn are mandatory. Poverty, diet and harsh climate affected longevity and male life expectancy in some poorest inner city areas was 59 which shocked many an Amazonian tribesman.

A major political force in Scotland was the SNP (Skotch, neeps and porridge party) whose leader in Commons House was Ian BlackPud, a powerful orator. Party policy required SNP politicians to say Scottish or Scotland on average every 5th word in speeches thus:-  ‘the Scottish people demand that Scotland’s voice must be heard and Scotland’s interests taken into account’. This bored the @r5e off the English MPs who promptly fell asleep delighting the SNP who could (correctly) claim that Scotland was being ignored.

The SNP claims were many and varied including claims on land and sea, fish, offshore oil, oily fish, fracking gas (which is more polite than it sounds because I checked) etc..   The most recent claim was that Scotland wasn’t getting its fair share of global warming. This had been highlighted by a schoolgirl scientist who travelled the World checking temperatures. The facts were indisputable; while gardeners in Southern England appeared on TV flaunting the avocados they’d grown, the only thing that grew in the Frozen North were beards; and even then only sparsely and mainly on men.

SNP Leader, Nicola 1 expressed concern about a UK Brexit as Scotland didn’t like it. She viewed it with as much concern as someone watching an old televison set drop from a high-rise flat heading for a baby’s pram below, merely being able to hope it would turn out well.

In the Dec 2019 General Election SNP got 45% of the vote in Scotland, which was exactly the same as they got in the failed Independence Neverendum of 2014. This coincidence clearly indicated it was time for Indy Nev 2, although England wasn’t keen as were still trying to finalise the Brexit after 42 months. The 2014 Indy Nev was supposed to be ‘once in a generation’ but as it was only 5 years ago they must’ve meant dog generations.

A Mass-tricked Treaty loophole allowed new entrants to have budget deficit above 3% and SNP hoped to get into EU if Independence was granted.

The Conservatory PM said he wouldn’t allow Indy Nev 2 so it looked like there would be plenty arguing ahead-----'twas ever thus.

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[Nemesis]

I'm gonna print that off.... and present it to the locals of Rosyth Royal Dockyard...... Should I get beaten to death please note I'm a size 8 shoe, you can have my safety boots and high viz but not my posh shoes...... I'll need those to be buried in..... I can't wait !