The “People Who Need A Slap” Thread

[Captain Colonial]

Wouldn’t it make you feel better if you could give someone that truly deserves it just one really good slap?  If the answer is yes, this thread is for you. 

i’ll start us off...

There’s a local who drives past my house 6-8 times a day (even after midnight) in his modded and slammed Citroen C2, of all things.  The C2 has a 1.0l petrol engine taken from a lawn mower and hooked up to the gearbox from a sewing machine (no speeds, just patterns - stretch stitch, buttonhole, zigzag, etc).  That’s fine, each to their own

My issue is that he has invested in an aftermarket kit that shoots raw petrol into the exhaust every time he backs off the throttle, enough to create 2-3 backfires per second.  Thus he spends most of his driving accelerating hard up to 10 mph over the limit and backing off, making it sound like we’re under sustained gunfire from an AK-47.  It can heard up to 1/2 mile away.  He wakes me up very early and very late with his stupid attention seeking device, and he needs a very badly.

Your turn - who needs a ?

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

I think you may be on thin ice with that particular complaint Captain!  

[Captain Colonial]

You’d have to hear it to believe it Dave.  It goes on for about 10-15 seconds at a time, not just a couple of burps and bumps for a second or two.  I can hear him coming from 1/2 mile away at 2 in the morning.

[Steve (sdh2903)]

[Steve (sdh2903)]

I'd like to nominate my next door but 3 neighbour. She goes off to the pub every weekend leaving her 13 year old daughter to have a free house with her permission. Now this has never been an issue but the last few weeks the groups have been getting bigger and bigger and more and more alcohol involved.

This means the closer neighbours have been getting abuse and this weekend 2 kids were carried out absolutely paraletic by their parents. She comes sauntering back up the street from the pub and basically blamed everyone else. Parents like that the kids don't stand a chance.

Next day the police were round so we'll see what happens this weekend.

She definitely needs a slap 

[Man On The Clapham Omnibus]

Can't think of anyone who isn't in the public eye right now - there's loads of those - but I'm sure I will... 

[Andrew]

Jamie Oliver.. and all the other TV chefs.. nowt but a load of overpaid cooks! 

[jeff oakley]

The person who came up with the idea of reality TV. Infact anyone who appears on one as well. It has made nobodies famous for being stupid nobodies who other see as roll models

[BenD]

I have something similar to Scott. 

Chap around 30 who lives at the opposite end of our cul-de-sac to the entrance. He thinks it a great idea to go up and down the street as fast as he can in his civic type r. He says its because his car is loud. I've had a few civilised words with him over it but it doesn't seem to be getting through. There are only 20 houses in the street 10 either side there's just no need for it with young families in the street in my eyes he deserves more than a slap. 

[DonPeffers]

Can you get hold of one of those Police stinger devices Scott?

[Captain Colonial]

46 minutes ago, DonPeffers said:

Can you get hold of one of those Police stinger devices Scott?

If I did, the dumb BA steward would just sit there and rev and backfire until the fuel tank was empty. 

[Man On The Clapham Omnibus]

Where I used to live a few years ago there was an oik with a Subaru Impreza in a house beyond the bottom of my back garden. He not only had a sound system with thundering bass that he took pleasure in showing off at all hours, but he also sat revving the nuts off his bl**** Subaru for half an hour at a time! Just 'cos he loved the sound it didn't occur to him that the neighbours hated it. My Good Lady suggested I should wander round and point out the error of his ways, but being a devout coward I said it was against my religion. Sooner or later someone living nearer would risk his front teeth, and so it proved. All quite on the rearwards front...

[Blatman]

On 10/09/2018 at 14:52, Captain Colonial said:

no speeds, just patterns - stretch stitch, buttonhole, zigzag, etc

You know too much about sewing...

As for the yoof in his Singer flame thrower, film it a few times and send the video to the council and the cops. If he sees you filming it that alone might have an effect.

Or maybe this will happen:

 

Perhaps line your street with some kindling...  

 

[Man On The Clapham Omnibus]

[Kevin Wood]

On 10/09/2018 at 14:52, Captain Colonial said:

i’ll start us off...

There’s a local who drives past my house 6-8 times a day (even after midnight) in his modded and slammed Citroen C2, of all things.  The C2 has a 1.0l petrol engine taken from a lawn mower and hooked up to the gearbox from a sewing machine (no speeds, just patterns - stretch stitch, buttonhole, zigzag, etc).  That’s fine, each to their own

My issue is that he has invested in an aftermarket kit that shoots raw petrol into the exhaust every time he backs off the throttle, enough to create 2-3 backfires per second.  Thus he spends most of his driving accelerating hard up to 10 mph over the limit and backing off, making it sound like we’re under sustained gunfire from an AK-47.  It can heard up to 1/2 mile away.  He wakes me up very early and very late with his stupid attention seeking device, and he needs a very badly.

Your turn - who needs a ?

Funnily enough we have an idiot up our cul-de-sac who has done exactly the same with a Bini. I've mentioned that I'd be trying to keep a lower profile if I found myself driving a shopping car, but I think it was lost on him.

A slap might do the job, however...