THE BIG BICYCLE RACES ----(A gentle parody)

[DonPeffers]

Once upon a time there was a big bicycle race called TOUR OF SPAIN (which in Spanish is called La Vuelta, meaning The Return). Whereas TDF leader wore a Yellow jersey, 'The Spain' leader and winner wore a Red jersey.

The team of SIR BAD WILY GINGERS and CHOIR PEST FOR HOMER (called Simply Keep Yellow) had already won The Detour France (TDF) so wanted to win The Spain.

The first Briton to win THE BIG FRENCH RACE (TDF) was SIR BAD WILY GINGERS. After his retirement young CHOIR PEST FOR HOMER became team leader and won 'The France' 4 out of 5 years.

The only year he missed winning was after a crash where he damaged his leg. The Team mechanic checked in the van but they didn't have a spare leg so CHOIR PEST had to leave the race that year.

The Spain went up big hills and was so long it had to be measured on a calendar, not on a clock.

Although La Vuelta meant 'The Return', after 3 weeks of hot, dusty, hilly racing they were always so tired they forgot where they'd started from so finished in the capital city, Madbid.

CHOIR won The Spain becoming the first Briton to do so. The Team thought about adding 'Red' to their name, (becoming S.K.Y.R.) but CHOIR PEST complained he did not want to be known as a yogurt.

Determined to have fun and jokes, the team name became Simply Kidding You.

Riders could become breathless riding up big hills so, as a distraction, the most breathless riders were allowed to blow on a special blue flute.

To avoid deafening the crowds, and other riders, the limit was 8 blows on the flute per day.

The Spain Umpire said CHOIR PEST had blown twice the limit and could be banned. A long investigation followed.

After winning The Spain, CHOIR won another big race called 'The Italy'; so was becoming really good at this now.

His next goal was to win TDF again. At first it seemed he might be stopped from racing TDF while the flute investigation continued. Those overseeing bicycling's flute tests were called UCI (Untimely Career Interrupters).

Previously one of the most dopey bicyclists at TDF was Trance Arms Long. Because he had long arms he could inject more than most. He won TDF more times than you could shake a syringe at, but his wins are no longer recorded as he was told "STRUCK OFF".

Having had problems in the past with dopey bicyclists, the TDF organisers were very careful who they let ride the event.

It looked like CHOIR might not get a chance to ride and win again.

Then luckily a 'scientific report' (from the Land of Nethers) found dog flutes could not be heard by humans. As it could not be proved that CHOIR'S flute wasn't a dog flute, the case was thrown out.

Becoming a dog (to reduce liability) had been suggested on TV in 'Red Dwarf', so the 'science' wasn't entirely new.

Previously a couple of bicyclists had been banned for less blows on the flute. Some people thought this muddied the waters; while others thought possibly the water just looked muddy if the sports overseers' credibility had been sh@t into it.

Never again would multi-millionaire bicyclists, with access to 'experts' and science fiction, have to worry about the 'Career Interrupters'.

Although CHOIR had been cleared, there were people in France called cretins (French for village idiots) who could not understand reports or equations or words. They were unhappy that CHOIR would start the race. They wanted their young French star (Roamin' Barnet) to win and didn't like CHOIR.

It seemed CHOIR and his Team were as popular in France as Pufferfish flavoured baguettes.

As TDF went thru many villages this meant there could be danger from the cretins at the roadside while racing in France. 

Undaunted the team, with CHOIR as their leader, were determined to race and will start soon.

Enjoy the spectacle.

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