THE BIG FRENCH RACE--(A gentle parody).

[DonPeffers]

Once upon a time there was a big bicycle race called TDF (The Detour France) which went up big hills and no Briton had won it in over 100 years.

'The France' was so hard that some riders would crash just so they could leave the race. The race leader and winner wore a bright yellow jersey so he could easily be seen and those wishing to crash could do so whilst avoiding the leader.

It could be cold at the mountain tops and riders wanted rugs. Sadly rugs could catch in spokes, were seen as dangerous, and had been banned. Any rider found using banned rugs would be thrown out of the race and stop bicycling for a year. To get around this some riders took up knitting.

Then three plucky Brits decided to try to win 'The France' for Britain. A new team was formed and was called Simply Keep Yellow (referring to the jersey).

A big announcement declared riders would include SIR BAD WILY GINGERS and his young friend CHOIR PEST FOR HOMER and the boss man was named SIR SLAVED FOR BRAID.

The boss man had invented something called 'alarming gains' one of which was to give the bicyclists clean bed sheets. This had never happened before in the history of bicycling. This made the team go much faster and their rivals (without clean bedding) could not keep up.

The umpire said there had to be a 'no-needles policy', but this upset many in the team as it meant they could not do their knitting.

Sir Bad had won medals, on the level, in something called 'Limb Picks'; so named as the manager would pick the team after examining limbs.

Sir Bad was often ill before big uphill races and needed medicine but the umpire said no. However his doctor had a T.U.E. (Totally Useless Excuse) so medicine was allowed. His nose was cured. Also he got lighter which helped going up hills.

The race called The France was so long it could not be measured on a clock and had to be measured on a calendar.

Sir Bad won The France, became a British national hero and retired to try rowing and talking rollocks.

Then Choir Pest decided he too would try to win The France but he had more illnesses than spokes.

He was allowed medicine so he stayed alive. He was so ill that the boss said he must be strapped to his bicycle and the boss would shout directions down a radio. This led to crashes but bravely the young rider carried on.

Some people did not like Choir and threw cups of Pimm's No.1s in his face but he doggedly carried on to win, inspired only by the thought of bringing glory to Britain and the 1/2Mn euro first prize.

In modern times many bicyclists have illnesses and take medicines and people called adults think this is because they have all entered Pandora's box.

Choir wanted to become the first Briton to win another big race called 'The Spain', also measured on a calendar, but that is a story for another day.

That is the end of THE BIG FRENCH RACE story so sleep well children and sweet bicycling dreams.

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[pistonbroke]

 

 

[John Dolan - Wirral & North Wales AO]

Sir Bad Wily Gingers.

Epic, almost laughed mine off.