What a s**t start to my day

[Captain Colonial]

Had a night last night I’d rather not ever repeat.  I underwent surgery last Friday to repair an umbilical hernia that was getting close to needing emergency surgery, so caught it just in time - although I could have done without having the anaesthetic through my spine and being conscious throughout the procedure.  It was successful, anyway.

Part of the fun of having abdominal surgery is that your colon takes great exception to being violated, and gets its own back by shutting down. Thus since last Friday, I’ve been enduring an unwelcome visitation from the Poo Prevention Fairy.

There’s very little you can do about it except ride it out, but it’s pretty uncomfortable to say the least. The medical advice is to wait a few days before trying a laxative. By the end of yesterday, three and a half days in, I was ready to try anything, so out came the Ducolax to act as an eviction order against the non-travellers in my colon.

About 2:45 this morning I was awoken by a noise coming from my guts which I last heard in The Exorcist when Linda Blair was possessed, and felt a pressure near the termination of my outflow pipe that was unmistakable in intent. I hobbled to the loo as quickly as I could without releasing the toxic monster and just managed to take my place in the driver’s seat of the porcelain bus when a gust of wind emanated from my tailpipe that sounded like Satan summoning his demonic army home for a pep talk. This was followed by something I can only describe without revulsion as the worst log flume ride in the world, ever. It went on for so long I thought I’d end up on the floor and flat as a piece of paper, completely empty inside. One of the dogs came in, wrinkled its nose in disgust at the smell and left me to my fate in mid-process. This was interspersed with belches strong enough to move the curtains.

All this went on 20 minutes and when it finally stopped, I managed to struggle back to bed at 315...only to repeat it all over again at 500. I only wish I’d weighed myself before the non-travellers were evicted to see how much weight I’d lost.

So folks, if you think your day is a bit s**t, my literally already has been. Thought I’d share as it’s always fun to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

Thank you. I laughed so much I nearly had an unwelcome visitor myself. Now just to explain to everyone why I've got tears rolling down my cheeks.

[Warren Till]

I'm crying with laughter! Funniest thing I read for a while.

I'm glad the operation was successful and you're on the mend. 

 

[Alan Cutler (Adge) - Dorset AO]

Well versed diary of an eventful night. Still laughing now!

Trust your recovery is speedy and quiet from now on in.

[Terry Everall]

Had to wipe the tears from my eyes!

[stephenh]

Brilliant!

I had something not quite as bad, but it went on for nearly 2 months recently, as I was on Co-codamol  (prescription strength) for 8 weeks, so having to take laxative twice a day most days to try and keep the "travellers" moving on.

[Captain Colonial]

The thing is, recovering from having your stomach muscles being sewn back together (including a mesh product for reinforcement - not CF thank goodness or I’d never have heard the end of it in here) is not a great time to have to bear down to clear your bowels, so a laxative is the only solution.  Lady Colonial offered me some of her dihydacodeine or even a morphine, but I’d have had to take so much Ducolax to counteract the binding effects that by the time it worked, I’d have flown around the room like a sh*t-powered rocket ship.

interesting experience being cut open at the navel and fixed while you’re conscious (although a screen spared me from watching it).  I now know what the dog’s soft toys feel like when they’re being repaired and restuffed - uncomfortable.

[Thrustyjust]

This is a similar thread and really worth a cup of tea and a biscuit read in an afternoon. How the guy writes it is pretty close to the ex here............... but more long winded, being the optimum word

http://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/

 

[Mark Stanton]

Get well soon .................... and keep the laughs going

[SootySport]

I would think quite a few of have some sort of operation to our digestion system causing some later constipation.   After similar experiences such as yours, the aftermath feels rather enlightening.

[DonPeffers]

At least you didn't have to sleep in the bath!!

I thought GWS meant get well soon but apparently can mean Gaseous Waste System.

[neptune]

Glad you are feeling well enough to provide such an eloquent account of you ordeal.

[Nick Algar - Competition Secretary]

Well, Scott, you'll be pleased to hear that I've just had a problem from the other end and p******** myself laughing at your tales of woe. Still I suspect we are getting to that age where if we didn;t laugh we would just cry 

[jeff oakley]

Unless this has happened to you it is hard to better the explanation Scott has given.

Mine was in preparation for a colonoscopy and involved eating certain foods followed by a sachet of a preparation and a second one two hours later. The advice was do not go too far from the home!

Nothing happened for over three hours after the second sachet, and then there was just the slightest twinge. So I started to make my way to the library upstairs, I stood on the first step and then went up almost in a single bound as volcano was erupting, just making it in time it was as you so eloquently wrote. Even with the fan on and the window open the smell was indescribable. 

Just when you thought it was all over another wave came for over three hours this went on.

Next day watching the camera as it was inserted where was now very tenders as it made it's way around and being shown where I had missed a bit was surreal as I felt sure some of my organs were passed that night.

I just showed your tale to my daughters who is a Dr and she had tears of laughter I her eyes

[Blatman]

Laughed so hard I nearly shi...  

The Singletrack forum post is still one of the funnest things I have ever read. I've never had to have a colonoscopy and having read that several times I hope I never do, except... I really want to be able to hover in a lift on a cushion of my own farts