Phssthpok Posted October 17, 2002 Author Posted October 17, 2002 A rough looking Westfield owner from the north goes into a classy wine bar in the Essex. Unfortunately, (for the bumkin) the bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wears a tie. Discouraged, the bumkin goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: he's got jumper cables in the boot! So he wraps them around his neck like a string tie and returns to the bar. The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the bumkin, "Okay, you can come in... but just don't start anything!" .....I thank you. Quote
The Dice Man Posted January 16, 2003 Posted January 16, 2003 ....you can all groan at the end of it. This bloke is sitting at home one night when there's a loud knock on the door. The man answers the door and is surprised to find that there's a six foot tall beetle standing on his doorstep. Before the bloke has time to speak the beetle launches a frenzied attack on him and after a flurry of blows then leaves. The bloke is covered in cuts and bruises and immediately goes to see his doctor. On seeing him, the doctor asks, "What happened?" The man replies, "You won't believe me. I was beaten up by a massive beetle." On seeing that his doctor is nonplussed by this the man asks, "Well, aren't you surprised?" The doctor replies, "Not really. There's a nasty bug going around." Quote
Westfields Rock On Posted January 16, 2003 Posted January 16, 2003 how do you make a vanecian blind? poke him in the eyes. Quote
mikehreynolds Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 BEER STUDY Yesterday scientists for health canada suggested that considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, mne should take a look at there beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period, it was the observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldnt drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong. Quote
mikehreynolds Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 Modena, Italy: The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire Pit-Crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the English Government's "Work For the Dole" Scheme, hiring unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds. This is despite the lack of proper equipment, and compares favourably with Ferrari's existing crew, who can only do it in 8 seconds. This is considered to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management. Most races are won and lost in the pits, and Ferrari should expect to have an advantage over every other team. Ferrari expectations have in fact been easily exceeded. During the Crews first practice session, not only were the scousers able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed and rebadged the car, and sold it to the McLaren Team for the price of four dozen cans of Stella and a gram of Charlie. Quote
Turbo Tommo Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 Quasimodo has been made redundant with the following package A lump sum 6 weeks back pay A case of bells Cheeky b******* asked for a fiver 'till he got straight When refused he took the hump Had a hunch he would He always was one to get his back up Quote
westy Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 From my 8 year old niece: Why did all the crabs go to jail? Because they kept pinching things Quote
Mrs Westy Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 From my 8 year old niece ..nice try at getting family stuff right dear, but actually she's 6 ...A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, Totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the Daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her Laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" Quote
Graham.J Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 Man walks into a bar...........ouch!! ....is that the phone I hear ringing?........*runs off* Quote
westy Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 ..nice try at getting family stuff right dear, but actually she's 6 luckily no one noticed Quote
Graham.J Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 .....runs back in huffing and puffing..... Sorry forgot one: There was a man sunbathing nude on the beach and this little girl comes running up and points at his 'little soldier' and says "whats that?" The bloke replies: "errr thats my bird" The girl looks satisfied with the explanation and runs off. The man then dozes off only to wake up in hospital with bandages around his anatomy. He sees the little girl and figures she'll know what happened, so he asks her: She replies "I was playing with your bird and it spat at me so I crushed its eggs and set fire to its nest" Thank you. ...........footsteps heard at a running speed!!! Quote
Graham.J Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 Ok ok, if you insist, one last one: Tandoori Rhapsody Naan-aa, just killed a man Poppadum against his head Had lime pickle, now he's dead Naan-aa, dinner's just begun But now I'm going to crap it all away Naan-aa, ooh-ooh-ooh Didn't mean to make you cry Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow Curry on, Curry on Cause nothing really Madras Too late, my dinner's gone Sends shivers up my spine Rectum aching all the time Goodbye every Bhaji, I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo Naan-aa, ooh-ooh-ooh This Dopiaza's mild Sometimes wish we'd never come here at all (Short Instrumental break and change of tempo) I see a little chicken tikka on the side Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh Pass the chutney made of Mango Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicey ME! Biryani (Biryani) Biryani (Biryani) Biryani and a Naan o Vindalo-ooo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-000 (No no no no no no no no no) I've eaten Balti, somebody help me He's eaten Balti, get him to a lavatory Stand well back the loos quarantined Here it comes There it goes Technicolour yawn, I chunder NO! It's coming up again (There he goes) I chunder It's coming up again (There he goes) I chunder It's coming up again Up again! (Up Again) Up again! (Up Again) Up Agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain (No no no no no no no no no) Diarrhoea! Diarrhoea! Pass the freezing toilet rolls This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts Poor me...Poor me! (Short Instrumental break and change of tempo) So you think you can chunder and think it's all right? So you think you can eat curry and drink all night? Oooh, maybe, now you'll puke like a baby Just had to come out Just had to come out right here (Short Instrumental break and change of tempo) Korma, saag or bhuna Balti, naan or bhaji Nothing makes a difference Nothing makes a difference to me Anyway my wind blows Quote
Rob B Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 Not jokes as such but never mind... Metaphors from 2002 English GCSE essays. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing. She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. Quote
Graham.J Posted January 17, 2003 Posted January 17, 2003 I saw a man taking a gate the other day......................... .............I didn't want to say anything, he might have taken offence. Quote
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