Do you think you can do worse?

[westy]

and the classic (swear I have done this before on here)

Two fish in a tank and one says to the other:

"How do you drive this thing"

Is my coat next to yours psk

[Noel Johnson]

A man walks into the doctors with a sterring wheel down the front of his trousers. Tha doc asks him what's wrong and the man says:

"Don't know doc but it's driving me nuts"    

[westy]

groan

[Pete Collins]

Try this......

The way we were???

This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK.

• When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train.

• Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious.

• If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

• When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him.

• If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

• Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly, all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.

• When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

• Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

• It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and restore your night-time face and hair care products.

• You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

[westy]

its why our marriage works so well

[chrisbin]

Morning Lads!

How about.....

A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage.

Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon:

MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair,

can you tell the audience what happened?"

Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived,trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free.

The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"

Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy

for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."

Much applause.

MK: "That's fantastic. So, Simon who are you going to be tonight?"

Simon: "Tonight Matthew I will be....

...

...

...

...

...

...Simon and half-uncle."

I thank you!

   

[Phssthpok]

.....truly dreadful, but not as bad as…..

A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex Statistics. "Any good?", he asks.

"Fascinating - American Indians have the widest penises, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane."

"Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."

stands on chair, put rope around neck, steps off chair

[ricdiggle]

Ok, the Fungi one not poor enough eh?

Well then, you asked for it!

Why don't Italians have B-B-Qs?

...

...

...

...

The Spaghetti would fall through the grill!!!!

I have worse if you want them.

Richard

[Son of Blatman]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing??"

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Umm. they are making cakes".

The next day they are at the zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks the mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?"

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

Because I licked the Icing off the sofa

...that must be my bus.

[westy]

the last time I saw someone spoof someone’s username it was targeted at Arnie on Blatchat, and he wasn’t a happy bunny if I remember right so be careful!

[damianc]

A horse walks into a pub.  The barman say "why the long face?"

A polar bear walks into a pub and says:

"I'll have a pint of...

...

...

...

...

...

lager please"

The barman replies:

"Why the big pause?"

[Stuart]

The bounty hunter walks into town and says "Sheriff, I'm skint, who's your most wanted man?"

Sheriff says "Why, that would be the brown paper kid"

Bounty hunter says "And how will I recognise him?"

Sherriff says "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper jacket, brown paper undercrackers, brown paper trousers, brown paper socks and brown paper shoes".

Bounty hunter says "What's he wanted for, Sheriff?"

And the sheriff says:

--

--

--

--

--

"Rustling"

.

[westy]

they are both terrible - groan

[Noel Johnson]

Ok a new low is about to come up:

What do you do when you see a space man?

Park in it, man!

Sorry  

[Noel Johnson]

t's Christmas day in the Skywalker household and Luke is giving his father his gift (bet you can't see where this is going but I'll get back to the joke) before Luke can hand over his gift Anakin/Dart Vader says to him "Thanks son I always wanted a new Scalextric c******m"

"But dad how did you know?" asks luke

"I felt your presence"