Tools - A Helpful Guide

[Mooch]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used

as a kind of divining rod to locate extremely expensive and fragile parts
not too far from the object you are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their
holes until the operator dies of old age. It also works great for drilling
mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel or the
fuel line of course.

PLIERS: Used to effectively round off bolt heads..

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE Surrugate Spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand. Can also be used as a totally unsuitable
substitute for a hammer.

OXY-ACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake-drum out of which you're trying to get the bearing race.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've
been searching for for the last 15 minutes. Very effective for rounding off
AF and Metric bolts.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest or the
knackers and flings your beer clear across the room, splattering it against
that nice beautifully-painted part you were drying oh so carefully.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in
about the time it takes you to say "f**k". Very good at getting snarled up
in any loose clothing you're stupid enough to get near it!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: "Labour-saving" device used for lowering car to the
ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir timber splinters.

PHONE: Device for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise
but mainly for getting dog ****e off your boot. Never known to actually
remove gasket debris.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup or
inducing epileptic fits in susceptible mechanics..

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

TORQUE WRENCH: Bad-tempered device which, although designed to allow the
user to tighten bolts to a precise torque, often allows said bolts to strip
their threads seconds before the device 'clicks' a warning that the user
should stop swinging on it.

AVIATION METAL TINSNIPS: Unpredictable and bl****-minded device. See
HACKSAW.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105mm
Howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading. May also be used to create 3rd-degree burns
on body parts.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 30 years ago by some monkey in Dagenham...and then rounds
them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the very expensive metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence
part.

HOSE CUTTER: A device used to neatly cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Device used primarily to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on boxes containing seats and expensive motorcycle
jackets. Usually found to be blunt when required for constructive use.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring corrosive
sulphuric acid from a car battery to your clothes, your car's bodywork and
to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as
a doornail after all, just as you thought.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

ARC WELDER: An industrial tanning machine that also drops molten steel down
into your shoes thus teaching how to dance at the same time.

ANGLE GRINDER: Impressive tool used to shoot sparks and metal filings
directly into your eye, magically by-passing any safety glasses. Added
feature of causing long-term eardrum damage.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by some workshops to
cut perfectly good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the waste bin after the cut has been made on the inside of the cut line
instead of the outside.

CIRCULAR SAW: Handy device which can be set to cut through the floorboard
just far enough to sever any heating pipes/gas pipes/electrical conduits
casually lurking underneath.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

BIKE LIFT: Beautifully-engineered piece of equipment which uses the awesome
power of hydraulics to lift heavy motorcycles for cleaning or repair. Looks
the part in any workshop/showroom but, unfortunately, the "one-size fits
all" mentality of the lift manufacturer effectively ignores the fact that
not all motorcycles are created equal thus rendering the lift about as much
use as a rubber pogo-stick.

JIGSAW: Seemingly demon-possessed device which performs every function
except the one you want it to do such as cut a straight, perpendicular line.

SURFORM: Abrasive tool designed to shape resistant materials like timber
with the added advantage of being able to reduce knuckles to a state very
similar to raw mince.

CHAIN WRENCH: Originally designed by a serial optimist to remove screw-on
oil filters. Unfortunately, due to many filters being nigh-on inaccessible
to all but very adventurous insects seeking a warm place to crash for the
night, this device is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. If the user
is lucky enough to actually get the chain onto the target filter, the
miniscule amount of clearance available to actually turn the wrench neatly
ensures that severely grazed knuckles or broken fingers are a very distinct
possibility. Carries a very high expletive factor too...best used in
all-male environments only.

3LB LUMP HAMMER: A kind of "last resort" device usually wielded with
extreme prejudice. Primary function is to damage or destroy parts which had
absolutely nothing to do with the original problem.

FIREGUM PASTE: White-coloured expanding compound intended for use as a
foolproof method of sealing automotive exhaust systems. Cornflakes soaked in
milk and allowed to set would be far more effective as this stuff has the
look and strength of an anaemic marshmallow.

[Quinten]

[blue ass fly]

Brilliant

Every single one of those has happened to me

[Stuart]

I've always liked this one (and anyone who has been involved in a team project will know it's 100% true).

 

The six phases of a project

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and honor for the non-participants

[Timmay Zoom Zoom]

Quality............. top work, made me smile on an otherwise very stressful day. Am thinking of experimenting with each and every one of those tools on my PC and monitor..................... lets hope it just remains as a thought!

[Stu Faulkner]

Brilliant,

 

The words of a pure spanner monkey. (and someone who has too much time on there hands)