O/T, Monday Moan, Nothing To Read, Move Along...

[Captain Colonial]

OK, you clicked anyway, so now you have no one to blame but yourself!

 

Lady MemSec has been complaining that the interior of the house was beginning to look a little "tired".  After clutching my wallet in fear, I asked what she meant.  The Reader's Digest version is that the house needed a good deep clean and, far worse, she wanted to swap some furniture around (I'll get to that later).

 

The biggest culprit on the dirt front was the carpeting.  With foresight, most of the carpeting we purchased for the house is synthetic fibre, meaning it was pet, child, and drunk safe, cleans well and rarely leaves a permanent stain anywhere.  However, I was sick to death of going to a shop, filling out my life history on a form, hiring a carpet cleaner @ £30 for a weekend, loading it into the car and then putting myself under a massive killer deadline to get the whole house done in 48 hours, and then taking it all back again.  (For reference, it's a four bedroom semi-detached Victorian property with a converted basement, meaning 11 rooms, 3 hallways, 2 landings and 31 stairs, all carpeted, over four levels.)

 

So I did some research and bought a Vax carpet cleaner, more commonly known as a home torture device, so that I could avoid all that, do it at my leisure and as often as needed so the carpets didn't get so dirty again.  At this point, I must say I now realise how convenient the human memory is at forgetting things it wants to forget.  Carpet shampoo cleaners are very effective devices - the stuff it puled out of the carpets was revolting to say the least.  They are also highly effective at raising the overall humidity level of any room to 99%, meaning you sweat like Giant Haystacks at a wrestling match in a Turkish sauna.  They also weigh a tonne - something you don't notice when they first arrive and you assemble them - but once you add 4 litres of water and detergent and start moving them around, particularly up and down stairs, you remember.  Of course, you must also move all the furniture in a room so everything gets cleaned, then put it all back afterwards.  I had, in the past, managed to block most of this out of my frontal core memory, but it all came back once I started.

 

Nonetheless, over the course of three afternoons, I have now done every carpet and rug in the house so far bar the cellar, but that should only take 2-3 hours, so mission nearly accomplished and Lady MemSec pleased (this is a very good thing).  However, the furniture swap was next...

 

We have a two-seat and a three-seat couch in the sitting room on the ground floor, and another slightly different set in the basement den - she wanted those swapped, as the basement set was in far better shape.  This had the benefit of saving me about £1,500 in buying a new set for the sitting room.  However, swapping two sets of heavy leather reclining furniture between two floors, with 11 steps and a 180 degree turn and via a narrow staircase, is not as easy as it was when I was 30 years younger - and fit.

 

First, the semi-good news: The sections bolted together, so I could disconnect the seats, making it marginally less weighty to move.  Bad news: Very tight fit.  VERY.  The only way we could get the individual sections upstairs was to carry them in the reclined position.  (Bear in mind that the house is now also extremely humid as the carpets had just been cleaned under the now moved furniture.)  So there's 10 sections in all, 5 upstairs, 5 downstairs, to be moved, in a sauna.  On the third back-breaking section we carried upstairs, half way up the narrow staircase, I hear and feel a distinct snap on the section.  Lady MemSec is now upset, saying it's broken, and we're not even halfway through yet.  We carry on the rest of the way so I can get on a good look at it, and making a sickening discovery - the backs attach separately to the seats via very firm sliding mounts.  (I wasn't home when it was originally delivered, so didn't know this.)  This means we've just moved 40% of the suites in nearly the most inconvenient way possible.  However, I can now grab my crowbar and separate the other 60%, which makes it much easier to move - the 7 big pieces left suddenly becomes 14 smaller pieces - but now I have a much bigger and quite tricky reassembly job (preferable, though).

 

Final outcome is that vacuuming, carpet cleaning, and swapping the furniture between floors took 5 hours, three beers (me), half a bottle of wine (her), one large Margarita (me), and finally 10mg of Valium for a massive backache (mine).

 

So if I'm more grumpy, dopey, and any of the other remaining five dwarfs than usual today... now you know why.  If you read all that and feel the same - you were warned!

[Man On The Clapham Omnibus]

I've got a Vax carpet shampooer... Bought it on impulse for £30 at Homebase when they had a blitz on stuff that wouldn't sell.  I have never used it, and now I don't think I ever will after reading your tale of woe. 

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

At least my steam cleaner's not too heavy to lug round, much the same effect humidity wise though.

[WestyNottm]

Having read that, I suddenly feel so much better for a Monday morning at work!

 

Thanks Scott.

[peterg]

Ah the advantages of single life... no pets, no SWMBO (although there is the odd drunk, usually me...) and the entire house can be cleaned inside an hour

[Norman Verona]

Ditch the carpets, have nice wooden floors and a robot vacuum cleaner.

 

However, it doesn't help when you have to do the hokey-cokey with the furniture.