Lawns........................

[mikef]

I’ve just finished mowing our rather large lawn and came in to find a chum had sent me this conversation between God and St Francis:

 

GOD:
Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, buttercups, daisies, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

               

ST. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your plants 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

 

GOD:
Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees only grubs and earth worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

 

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing the grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
    
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.
    
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not Lord. As soon as it grows a little they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
    
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

 

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
    
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
    
ST. FRANCIS:
No Sir just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
    
GOD:
Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
    
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes Sir.
    
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
    
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
    
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
    
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down Lord.. The Suburbanites have got a new cycle. As soon as the leaves fall they rake them into great piles and pay to have them taken away.
    
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
    
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They bring it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
   
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
    
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
    
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.

St. Catherine you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
 
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber' Lord. It's a story about....
    
GOD:
Never mind I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

 

 

 

 

 

[Moff88]

I'm reading this as my housemate is cutting the grass and I'm now giggling at him.

[Nick Algar - Competition Secretary]

Oh so true, but is it just me or should we be asking SHMBO why we have lawns. :D

[s2rrr]

Don't mention grass to Norman, lets hope he has his mower sorted.

 

Bob

[Norman Verona]

I'm about to commit suicide.

 

Finally got the belts on as the man selling me solar panels arrived. An hour later I start cutting grass.

 

Three quarters of an hour later the thing cuts out. I've just left it in the orchard where it stopped. I suspect the fuel outlet is blocked with silt and rust. Needs the airline blowing back up the feed pipe. Not the firts time this has happened after I dump 20 litres of fule in the tank.

 

If it doesn't rain tomorrow I'll get the compressor out there with a couple of long extension leads.

[Nick Algar - Competition Secretary]

I'm about to commit suicide.

 

Finally got the belts on as the man selling me solar panels arrived. An hour later I start cutting grass.

 

Three quarters of an hour later the thing cuts out. I've just left it in the orchard where it stopped. I suspect the fuel outlet is blocked with silt and rust. Needs the airline blowing back up the feed pipe. Not the firts time this has happened after I dump 20 litres of fule in the tank.

 

If it doesn't rain tomorrow I'll get the compressor out there with a couple of long extension leads.

 

 

Hey Norman, look on the bright side. It's a pain, but at least you know what is wrong and can fix it.

 

If it was a modern car ECU, it would sit there dead waiting for the expensive transport to the Dealer Garage, followed by the very expensive diagnostic to tell you the fuel filter is blocked. £ 10 for filter, £ 120 to fit, £ 100 Diagnostics, £ 150 towing charge, oh and don't forget the VAT :D and you know I am not kidding     

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

Sadly you're not wrong. And sometimes it gets even worse, (though thankfully a very good Indy mechanic didn't load the bill cause of it). I had an ABS fault on a Beemer that was so complicated to find, not only did the regular dealer diagnostics fail, they had to hook it up on a live link back to the factory in Munich for some senior tech bod to remotely probe about inside.

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

You think lat years were bright Bob; we'll be visible from space this year!

[Norman Verona]

Dave, all VAG top-of-the-range products are connected to the factory as a matter of routine.

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

Indeed. Perhaps not typically while driving around though! Laptop plus MyFi came to Rick's aid. (Fault eventually traced to incorrectly presses markings for the ABS on a brand new wheel bearing!)

[Norman Verona]

Ah, I see.

 

I somehow get concerned when a car is made so that a fully trained mechanic, sorry they're no longer called that are they, cannot deal with the repair.

[mikef]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

[Norman Verona]

I was walking along Psalter Lane in Sheffield. On the other side of the road were two men. One dug a hole in the pavement by the kerb and the other filled it in. I stopped and watched them for about 10 minutes as they worked there way alnog the road. I couldn't containn my curiosity any longer. I crossed the road and said "hello, what are you doing" They stopped and turned to me, the taller one said in an Irish brogue, "I'm Paddy and this is Micheal, we're planting trees we are Sir". But you're digging a hole and Micheal is then filling it in. There's no tree. "Ah, bejesus, says Paddy, that's Shamus's   job but he's off sick today"

 

 

 

 

I've got my coat, the taxi awaits but remember the old ones are the best.