1/ The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. 2/ A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... 3/ I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!! 4/ My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web. 5/ I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over. 6/ I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. 7/ I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. 8/ Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. 9/ My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 10/ Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" 11/ My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. 12/ I woke up last night to find the ghost of Julie Bishop standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. 13/ Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. 14/ The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change." 15/ Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people on the bottom in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 16/ Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 17/ Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick idiot!" 18/ Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19/ 19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."