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Cheer you up Tuesday


Nick Algar - Competition Secretary

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1/ The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


2/ A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....


3/ I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As
I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!


4/ My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went
to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this , I thought , I
can get one cheaper off the web.


5/ I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance , so I pushed her over.


6/ I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


7/ I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.


8/ Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


9/ My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you
believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.


10/ Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Blow that"
says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


11/ My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly
my girlfriend yet.


12/ I woke up last night to find the ghost of Julie Bishop standing
at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


13/ Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in
London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


14/ The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying
for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."


15/ Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has
stabbed six people on the bottom in the last 48 hours , believe the
attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


16/ Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


17/ Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm
sending a voicemail ya thick idiot!"


18/ Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on
the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


19/ 19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of
you?"Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh::oops: Groan :cry::laugh:

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20. This horse meat scandal has gone too far now......they've just closed our local pub. Someone found traces of Red Rum in one of the optics :d

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21. I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck - turns out I phoned "Dial-A-Llama".

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You know the creature that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

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My girlfriend says I have commitment issues.... well she says she's my girlfriend....

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Thought we would be safe, went to Tesco and bought some Veggie Burgers.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turns out they have been contaminated with UniQuorn!

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